Sensate focus exercises—a new
kind of intimacy?

Sensate focus exercises were originally developed by Masters & Johnson to help couples with sexual problems. They may be a way for you and your loved one to explore a new kind of intimacy, particularly if your man is having erection problems following treatment for prostate cancer—or is impotent.

These touching exercises are typically done in steps or stages over a period of several weeks. One person starts as the “giver” or “toucher” and the other is the “receiver.” Partners then switch roles until they reach stage 3, when there is mutual touching.

Stage 1

Touching, stroking, or kissing can occur anywhere on the body, except the breasts and genital areas. Use the hand that you don’t normally write with (so if you’re right-handed, use your left hand). If you are the giver, start with your partner’s face. Take your time and explore every area of your loved one’s body. You can also explore different types of touch, such as rubbing, squeezing, or tickling. The goal is to experience the sensation of touching, not to try to sexually arouse your partner. Even if your loved one gets an erection, you should not attempt intercourse, or try to have an orgasm. After 20-30 minutes (or longer, if you like), switch roles. Practice this exercise 2-3 times a week for 1-2 weeks.

Stage 2

Start with stage 1 touching. Then you can begin to explore the breast and genital areas, but do not attempt intercourse, or touching that leads to orgasm. After 20-30 minutes, switch roles. Practice this exercise 2-3 times a week for 1-2 weeks before moving to stage 3.

Stage 3

During this stage, you will engage in mutual touching, beginning with stage 1 touching, and then progressing to stage 2 touching. Even if you both become sexually aroused, do not attempt sexual intercourse or engage in touching that leads to orgasm. Practice this exercise 2-3 times a week for 1-2 weeks before moving to stage 4.

Stage 4

Start with touching exercises from stages 1-3. Then get into position, as if you are going to have intercourse (but do not have intercourse). Move your bodies so that your loved one’s penis (whether it is erect or not) rubs against your clitoris or vagina. After one or two sessions, you can then progress to partial or full intercourse (if your loved one is able to get and maintain an erection), or you can engage in touching or oral sex that leads to orgasm. It may help to have a lubricant on hand (like K-Y jelly) when you start this session, so you don’t have to stop to get it if you need it.

Touch, but don’t talk

It is recommended that you do not talk during your sessions (as it can be distracting). Decide ahead of time what physical cues you can give each other to indicate when certain touching feels good (perhaps the receiver caresses the giver’s hand), or if you want more pressure (the receiver can press down on the giver’s hand). If you don’t like the touching, gently pull your loved one’s hand away. After each session is over, you can freely talk about what worked—or what didn’t.

Other tips

• Schedule your sessions at times when you are both awake and alert
• Make sure that you will not be pressed for time, or be interrupted
• You may want to light a candle, and turn off the lights, to set the mood
• You can also play romantic music that you both enjoy (but agree on ahead of time)
• Decide who will be the giver first (before each session)
• Scented oils, lotions, or massage cream can be used to enhance the touching sensations