Conversation: why men may completely avoid it
The desire to have a conversation with your man may stir many feelings for you. Perhaps your loved one with prostate cancer has shut down—and shut you out—and you are desperately trying to reach him. Or maybe your previous attempts have resulted in so much anger and resentment that you are ready to give up. Talking sounds simple, but in fact, there are many factors that can make having a conversation seem so complicated. Understanding some of the dynamics may help ease some of your fears—and your frustration. First, it may help to understand that:
Why men may withdraw When women have a problem, they tend to want to talk about it. When men have a problem, they may prefer to isolate (or go to their cave, as author John Gray, PhD, calls it) until they can figure out a solution. If the problem can’t be fixed (such as the case of permanent impotence following treatment for prostate cancer), men may stay “stuck” in their cave, because they can’t resolve their problem. Men may also need time away from their partners to affirm their independence. When men detach, both Gray and clinical psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson, say that some women become anxious and afraid, because they feel abandoned and rejected. They also are afraid that their men won’t “come back.” Take a deep breath—then wait When your loved one feels the need to isolate, Gray suggests that the best thing you can do is leave him alone. He should come back—eventually. And if you give him the time and space he needs, he may appreciate you more for it. If you let your man “go away” whenever he needs to, you may find that the amount of time he stays away may lessen over time. Be good to yourself while you’re waiting When your man withdraws and you start to get that panicked feeling (which is quite common), call a good friend, go shopping, or treat yourself to a manicure. Do something good for yourself. This will get easier for you over time as well. You may also want to connect with other women who are coping with prostate cancer at a support group meeting, or an online forum. But do not try to engage your loved one until he gives you signals that he is ready to “come back” and be receptive. Gray cautions that if you chase after your man when he feels the need to isolate, chances are you will suffer the wrath of his anger for doing so. Give it some time You can experiment with this technique and see how it works for you. Change takes time, so try not to have an expectation that things will improve overnight. You may also want to seek guidance from a professional counselor who specializes in helping couples improve both their conversation skills and their relationships.
References: Gray J. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Harper Collins:New York, NY; 1992. Johnson S. Hold Me Tight. Little, Brown & Company: New York, NY;2008. Tannen D. You Just Don't Understand! Harper Collins:New York,NY;1990.
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