Communication: what men hear when women talk

Communication between the sexes sometimes goes like this: a wife makes a loving suggestion to her husband with prostate cancer (because she wants him to eat healthy food), “Let’s go out for fish tonight.” He thinks to himself: Why is she always ordering me around? He then becomes irritable and she doesn't know why. After all, she was just making a suggestion—or was she?

Author Deborah Tannen, who is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, writes that the husband may perceive his wife’s suggestion as a direct order. And a man may wait until he’s good and ready to respond to avoid feeling ordered around. She also says that while wives often consult their husbands before making decisions, men may not, because they resent having to run things by their wives.

What you can do: Instead of using a “Let’s do this” statement, ask your loved one, “Would you like to go out for fish tonight?” He may be more receptive if you ask him a question.

”Yeah” doesn’t always mean yes

Women commonly use phrases like “yeah,” “yes” and “uh uh” when they are listening to their partners speak. Men believe this means they are agreeing with them. So when a wife or partner turns out to not agree with what a man has been saying, he may believe that his partner is not being honest, or isn’t really listening to him.

What you can do: Ask your loved one if this is true for him. If it is, he will be more aware of it, and may not become frustrated if it happens. You can also remind him of this when he starts a conversation with you.

Your problem is their problem

Author John Gray, PhD, writes that when a woman shares her problems or unhappiness with her loved one, he assumes he’s to blame—even if the problem has nothing to do with him! Gray says that “men are motivated when they feel needed” and feel like a failure when their partners are disappointed or upset.

Many men may not understand that when women talk about their problems, it helps them feel better. The more details a woman provides in conversation, the more frustrated a man may become. This is because while you are talking, he is busy trying to make sense of all the details. He mistakenly believes that all the details you are providing will eventually lead him to find a solution to your problem.

What you can do: Gray suggests that when you start a conversation, lovingly tell your man that he has done nothing wrong, and that you just need to talk/vent for a while. Tell him that all he needs to do is listen to you to make you feel better, and that there is nothing he needs to fix. Ask him if he can listen to you without offering advice. You may also want to start at the end of the story (so he knows the outcome), and then give him all the details. If you sense he is getting distracted, stop talking until he gives you his complete attention, then continue talking. At the end of your communication, thank him for listening and let him know how much it has helped you.

Why “helping” may actually be hurting

Gray says that when a woman offers a man unsolicited advice—no matter how loving a woman’s intentions are—her man will feel that she is challenging his competence. Your loved one may even interpret your “helping” as criticism, which may make him feel weak and unloved.

He suggests that competence is very important to a man—and his reaction may be very strong. Even when you are trying to comfort your loved one, he may feel that you are smothering him like a child. If he senses that you don’t trust him, he may even feel rejected and back away.

What you can do: Unless your man asks for your help (or your opinion), try to refrain from offering it. Gray recommends allowing your loved one to work through his problems. What you can do is let him know that you trust he is capable of solving his problems on his own. Rather than offer unsolicited comfort, you might instead communicate, “I want to be there for you. Is there anything that you need from me?” But be prepared that he may not be able to answer this question. In that case, you can say, “If you think of anything, please get back to me.”

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Tannen D. You Just Don't Understand! Harper Collins:New York,NY;1990.