Communication between the sexes
can be “he said vs. she said”

Communication between men and women often ends up being a battle between the sexes. Part of the problem, writes author John Gray, PhD, is that we automatically assume that our partners will react the same way we do because we love them. In reality, this is only wishful thinking.

The purpose of talking varies

One reason men and women don't react the same is that their perception of what the act of communication represents may differ.

Women perceive talking as a way to interact and get close, writes Deborah Tannen, who is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University. Women also perceive listening as a way of showing others that they care and are interested in what their partners have to say. They tend to enjoy intimate and personal communication.

Men, on the other hand, may be more open to talking in public situations (such as in a group setting) because they communicate to express their knowledge and skills. Unlike women, they may not have the same need (or desire) to talk as a way of establishing closeness and rapport. This may explain why some men (whether they have prostate cancer or not) are silent at home, yet are chatterboxes in social settings.

Understanding the differences may help

Tannen gives an example of a couple who are newly in love, in her book You Just Don’t Understand! The man suggests that he and his partner have breakfast together before leaving for work. The woman is excited, thinking it will be an opportunity for them to talk intimately.

The man, however, opens the newspaper and begins reading! The woman states that previously, she would have felt ignored and rejected. But with a newfound awareness of gender differences, she understands that her physical presence is what her man desires (and needs) for him to feel close to her, not a conversation.

More insights about communication and gender differences

• Women often use talking as a way to work through their problems. Men are programmed to “fix” problems and may mistakenly assume that women want them to provide a solution, rather than just listen and empathize
• If a man offers a solution, and a woman keeps talking about her problem(s), he may feel the woman is ignoring his advice. He may then become disinterested in the conversation, and will stop hearing her
• When women are engaged in conversation, they may show their partner they are listening by using phrases such as “yeah,” “hmm,” and “okay.” Men may not. A woman may mistakenly think that a man’s lack of verbal response means he is not listening to her
• Women tend to ask questions when communicating, while men may not
• When talking, women tend to directly face the person they are talking to, while men may not
• Men may take longer to process information during communication. They may need time (from minutes to several hours) to think about a conversation before they respond. And if they feel they don’t have enough information to make a knowledgeable response, they may not say anything at all
• While women talk about their problems to help work through them, men tend to talk about their problems when they are blaming someone—or looking for advice

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References:

Gray J. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Harper Collins:New York, NY; 1992.

Tannen D. You Just Don't Understand! Harper Collins:New York,NY;1990.