Communicating to get your needs met
Communicating can be an effective way to get your needs met. But if you think that your loved one should intuitively know—or even anticipate what you need—chances are your needs won't get met. Men are not mind-readers and they never will be. If you want help or support from your man, you are probably going to have to ask for it. Author John Gray, PhD, goes so far as to suggest that if you do not ask for support clearly and directly, your man will assume that he is already giving you enough. You may want to “practice” communicating your requests by asking your loved one to do things he is already doing, but in a very loving manner, says Gray. He also recommends heaping lots of praise and appreciation for all that your man has done. But Gray cautions that if your man detects a demanding or insincere tone, what he really “hears” is that he is not giving enough, and it may cause him to give less until you let him know that you appreciate what he is already giving you. Using “would” versus “could” When a woman asks, “Could you do…” something, Gray says a man may perceive it as a critical judgment. It also may not compel a man to make the decision to do what is asked. Changing your question to “Would you do…” something may be more warmly received—and lead to better results. If you tell your man: “This needs to get done,” Gray warns that he probably won’t respond at all. It’s not what you say, but how you say it Let’s say your man always leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, and it makes you angry. You pause to think about it, and you realize that it’s not so much the dirty dishes, but the fact that you’ve asked him not to leave them, and he hasn’t listened. As a result, you feel that he doesn’t care about you—or doesn't respect you. Rather than yell at him (which may only make him shut down or even ignore you), you might have more success if you calmly explain that you feel hurt when he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, because it makes you feel that he doesn’t care about you. Try to use “I” statements as much as possible, and if you find yourself starting to get angry or blaming, stop and apologize. You may even want to start communicating by telling him that you are working to control your anger, and that you don’t want to yell or blame him, but it’s really hard for you. Then ask if he can try to be patient with you. Another approach that Gray suggests is to ask your man, “What is the best way for me to talk to you?” The conversation might start like this: “I need to talk to you about something that has been bothering me, but it’s really hard for me. What is the best way for me to ask you to help me with _________ (whatever it is) so you won’t feel upset or angry?” Choose the right time to ask Men sometimes need to pull away before they can get close again (Gray refers to this as a man going to his cave.) The worst time to start a conversation—or ask your man to do something—is when he pulls away and is emotionally unavailable. You may have more success if you postpone your conversation until he appears to be more engaged—and more receptive. Change takes time Making requests or setting boundaries is a learning process that takes a great deal of courage—and patience. In her book, The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie writes that when you are setting a boundary, you cannot worry about the reaction of the other person. When you set a boundary, the other person will often try to get you to “change back” and revert to your old behavior. It’s important that you lovingly (but firmly) maintain your position, without having to explain or apologize. Communicating to get your needs met is a process, and it helps to understand that your partner may need some time to adjust to the “new you.”
|
